The Lord of my life
Suicidal thoughts, depression, codependency, undesired same-sex attraction, promiscuity and pornography. It was my life until January 2015, a real mess… but I was a Christian since 2004, how could a Christian live like that? It is not supposed that Christ came to set us free? How can it be possible that I had spent 11 years living that way when I was supposed to live in freedom as said in Luke 4:18-19?
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind,to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favour. (Lk 4:18-19)
My name is Carlos Catarí, I’m 32 years old and I am from Venezuela, but living in Quebec since 2013. My childhood was stained with prolonged sexual abuse, my parent’s divorce and bullying, later in adolescence I developed hyper sexuality and promiscuity with men, which lead me into same-sex prostitution, alcohol consumption, parties and a deep desire for ending my life. I remember asking to myself (after my mom came up with this question), what would be my life if I had not been sexually molested? Would I be living this way?
In 2004 I met Jesus through the film « The Passion of the Christ », immediately I accepted him as my Saviour, I wanted a new life, to erase my past and to start all over again, I wanted to change, I asked the Almighty God to do something, but it wasn’t exactly what happened, for 11 years I lived in a kind of Christianity that wasn’t fulfilling my life, it didn’t bring peace, either stability nor restoration. In fact, I would say that everything I wanted to quit doubled and tripled , I was having an astray life, everything got worse, I was lost… but I was attending church on Sunday, how could it be?
Finally, after having a disastrous 2014, when everything got worse than ever, almost being a homeless, about to commit suicide, at the pick of sexual activity, something happened, it was January 1, 2015, in the midst of the New Year’s Eve celebration, I was having a conversation with a friend, when he said to me: « CARLOS THE PROBLEM WITH MANY CHRISTIANS IS THAT THEY HAVE JESUS AS THEIR SAVIOUR BUT NOT AS THEIR LORD » , I was immediately in shock, I knew immediately it was God talking to me through this guy, I realized Jesus was my saviour, but he wasn’t my Lord, and it was the reason I found myself in that horrible situation. Then, what should I do?
Days later I surrender my life to him, I told him, « Lord Jesus, here I am, I don’t care anymore if I you change my sexual orientation, I don’t care anything about me, I don’t care about my life, because I already destroyed it, please become the Lord of my life, I just want to follow you! »
By doing this, I died to myself, I stopped asking God for a miracle and I decided to go after the God of the miracles, I renounced all what I had learned about God in the previous years, I gave up to my longing, desires, goals and I poured God’s Word in my mind and heart. I also understood that a king can rule only in what is under his control, and my life wasn’t under God’s control, that’s the reason I had to surrender it all.
Eighteen months later my life is completely different, I am a new person in Christ, everything that I just quoted you above about my disastrous life doesn’t exist anymore, I washed my brain with the word of God, I have listened +250 preaches in this period, I have been studying the Bible, I worship him most of the time, in brief, I delight myself in the Lord… and He is giving me the desires of my (brand new) heart.
Nowadays I’m living a peaceful, reassured, steady, consecrated life, because I live by his Word. I don’t let my own way of thinking to interfere in believing what God has already said, I don’t let my old self to take place, I know that guy, he already destroyed my life once, so now, I just live by God’s Word and by the Spirit, having real faith, believing in what He said as I believe tomorrow the sun will rise, I don’t need to pray for it to rise, I KNOW IT WILL even if I am in the middle of the night… the same way I believe God’s Word now, I know it’s true, HE SAID IT THAT’S IT, even if I don’t see it yet, I don’t get worried, I don’t doubt, because His word is truer than the sun, and the sun rose today… but if you don’t know God’s Word, what is your faith based on? On your fears? On your past? Or in your words?
May the Lord bless you with a surrendered life.
Carlos is now a full-time disciple of Christ, helping others find the new life he found in Jesus.